Blighted Ovum...not a term I knew before last Thursday and wish I didn't have to now live the reality of a "Blighted Ovum." Our appointment with my fertility specialist was at 9:15 this morning. I just knew and had such a peace that everything was going to be OK. I was wrong. The sac had grown, but was still empty. My doctor was certain in his diagnosis of "blighted ovum," but wanted me to get a second opinion. So, he made a call to a Women's Radiology Specialist in the medical center...they were going to work me in at 12:30. I arrived at 11:45 and by 2:30 I began falling apart. Sitting there for two hours watching these very happy pregnant ladies there with their hubbies for their 3-D ultrasounds. Yes, I was happy for them, but in the middle of my heartbreak, wondering if my baby was OK or not, I just couldn't deal. So, the lady at the front desk just couldn't have someone crying the way I was in their waiting room. They sent us upstairs to an empty office with a pager. So, Adam and I sat there alone and cried. At 3:45 they finally paged us. At 4:45 I was finally in the scan room. By 5:00 we knew for certain our baby just hadn't developed. They assured me it wasn't my fault and I know that.
I don't understand and I'm angry. I'm angry that we have spent $21,000 on IVF and still no baby. I don't understand why God would allow me to get pregnant, only to have it not come to fruition. Part of me is thankful that for a few weeks I was finally able to say, "I'm pregnant!" I'm also glad to know that I CAN get pregnant and I'm not completely broken. The other part of me feels that it would have hurt less to not get pregnant at all.
I assure you that I do know that God is sovereign and I know He has a plan and I do trust Him. I'm just in a lot of pain and don't understand. I know He gives and takes away and maybe someday the reason will be revealed.
My friends, I know how much love I have for you. I would imagine if the tables were turned I would want to run to you and hug you and try to fix it. I'm asking that you not do that with me right now. I'm not ready to talk. I'm not ready for hugs (even though I love them). I'm just asking for some space and time to heal right now. On the other hand, I don't want you avoiding me like the plague either. Aaaaahh, I don't know what I want!!!
I know how much you have prayed for us and I can't thank you enough...there are just no words. I would ask that you now pray for comfort and wisdom to know where to go from here.
All my love,
Rachel
I prayerfully support you Rachel and Adam...my sweet, sweet family...
ReplyDeleteRachel, I do not know you and I came across your blog from another blog and thought it looked interesting so I read. Please dont think of me intruding. I was very intersted though, because on the same day you found out your bad news, I had found out mine. I also had a similar situation. I was 9 weeks pregnant and even starting to show. quite a bit actually. I was starting to spot and becasme quite worried, even with the "its normal speculation". Went into the hospital to find out that my baby was too small and had just not developed a heartbeat. I didn't want to accept it either. Until that night when the bleeding started. I still to some sense did not want to believe it. The whole passing ordeal lasted until yesterday morning. Everyone keeps sending condolences and asking if Im okay. I am now. The strength I have is of God. The peace I have is of God. Lay it at his feet and leave it to him. God is good and nothing God does is little. Remember that everything is in his timing...even when we want it in ours. I did not go through IVF like you did so I can imagine how hard it must be for you. But God loves you and he hears your prayers. He will answer you! One way or another. I got to hold my little baby yesterday morning and I was sad. But as its heart was not beating alive...I knew that in heaven it's heart is fluttering away! I pray that God will lay his blanket of piece and comfort over your family and that he will lay his Grace upon you. I will pray for you and your husband!
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