Skipping September 13th Next Year

Ok, so Sept. 13, 2007 was my Dad's lung surgery. Sept. 13, 2008 Hurricane Ike hit. Yesterday, Sept.13, 2009 will go down as one of the worst days of my life. My miscarriage began around 4:00 pm, lasting through 1:00 this morning. I have never experienced such pain. Those that have known me a long time know that I've had several painful times in my life. Not only was this physical pain the worst I've had, but it was attached to such heavy emotional pain. I regret so much that I didn't listen to my friends that encouraged me to insist on a D&C. I'm upset with my doctor for not wanting to do one. No one should ever have to experience what I did yesterday. I won't go into details with you (I'd be happy to share with you personally if you want them). Adam was such a blessing and a trooper last night. He held my hand through the whole thing. Bless his heart, he can't stand the sight of blood, but he spent the whole night cleaning it up. We leave tomorrow for our vacation ~ thank goodness!! I'm looking forward to a time of healing and renewal for us.

On a happier note, I am blessed to have such sweet sisters in Christ. I have had a precious gift left on my doorstep each day. It may seem simple, but they shined a happy light in our most dark days. It meant more to me than I can express. I hope that I can return the love and joy that they have given to me. I love you girls!!

I Will Not Be Moved

I have been the wayward child
I have acted out
I have questioned Sovereignty
And had my share of doubt
And though sometimes my prayers feel like
They're bouncing off the sky
The hand I hold won't let me go
And is the reason why...

[Chorus:]
I will stumble
I will fall down
But I will not be moved
I will make mistakes
I will face heartache
But I will not be moved
On Christ the Solid Rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand
I will not be moved

Bitterness has plagued my heart
Many times before
My life has been like broken glass
And I have kept the score
Of all my shattered dreams and though it seemed
That I was far too gone
My brokenness helped me to see
It's grace I'm standing on

[Chorus]

And the chaos in my life
Has been a badge I've worn
Though I have been torn
I will not be moved

[Chorus]

~ Natalie Grant

Just Breathe

I realize my last post was rather negative, but that's just where I was. I think it hit us so hard because we really didn't see it coming, totally BELIEVED everything was OK. We might still be in denial until I start bleeding. My doctor said it could happen anytime in the next 2 weeks. Once that happens they will do another blood test to see if my levels are back to normal and do an ultrasound to see if the sac is still there. We are going on vacation Sept. 15 for a week. Had no idea when we planned it that it would be so timely, but God did! It will be great for us to get away. We have tried to stay busy. Friday was better than Thursday, and today was better than yesterday. It was beautiful outside today, so we worked outside almost all day...stopping to watch Baylor WIN (I needed that)!!!! I talked to God quite a bit while working outside today, I admit I was talking and not really listening. I know He must have something unbelievably amazing for us...can't wait to see what it is! I realize there will be good days and bad days...good moments/bad moments. Have you seen the New York Life commercial...makes me weep!! In the mean time, we continue to seek Him and follow Him. Adam and I reminded each other today of all the things in our lives we are thankful for...we are so blessed in so many ways and can't lose sight of that. I like to think that my Mama is rocking my three babies in Heaven...makes me smile and cry all at the same time.

Blighted Ovum

Blighted Ovum...not a term I knew before last Thursday and wish I didn't have to now live the reality of a "Blighted Ovum." Our appointment with my fertility specialist was at 9:15 this morning. I just knew and had such a peace that everything was going to be OK. I was wrong. The sac had grown, but was still empty. My doctor was certain in his diagnosis of "blighted ovum," but wanted me to get a second opinion. So, he made a call to a Women's Radiology Specialist in the medical center...they were going to work me in at 12:30. I arrived at 11:45 and by 2:30 I began falling apart. Sitting there for two hours watching these very happy pregnant ladies there with their hubbies for their 3-D ultrasounds. Yes, I was happy for them, but in the middle of my heartbreak, wondering if my baby was OK or not, I just couldn't deal. So, the lady at the front desk just couldn't have someone crying the way I was in their waiting room. They sent us upstairs to an empty office with a pager. So, Adam and I sat there alone and cried. At 3:45 they finally paged us. At 4:45 I was finally in the scan room. By 5:00 we knew for certain our baby just hadn't developed. They assured me it wasn't my fault and I know that.
I don't understand and I'm angry. I'm angry that we have spent $21,000 on IVF and still no baby. I don't understand why God would allow me to get pregnant, only to have it not come to fruition. Part of me is thankful that for a few weeks I was finally able to say, "I'm pregnant!" I'm also glad to know that I CAN get pregnant and I'm not completely broken. The other part of me feels that it would have hurt less to not get pregnant at all.
I assure you that I do know that God is sovereign and I know He has a plan and I do trust Him. I'm just in a lot of pain and don't understand. I know He gives and takes away and maybe someday the reason will be revealed.
My friends, I know how much love I have for you. I would imagine if the tables were turned I would want to run to you and hug you and try to fix it. I'm asking that you not do that with me right now. I'm not ready to talk. I'm not ready for hugs (even though I love them). I'm just asking for some space and time to heal right now. On the other hand, I don't want you avoiding me like the plague either. Aaaaahh, I don't know what I want!!!
I know how much you have prayed for us and I can't thank you enough...there are just no words. I would ask that you now pray for comfort and wisdom to know where to go from here.
All my love,
Rachel

One more thing...

My doctor just called. He is encouraged, but of course doctors can't say anything definitive. He said, "Your levels are rising quite nicely. We need to get you in for an ultrasound and see if we see something growing." So, I'm going Thursday morning (exactly one week from last week's ultrasound) for the ultrasound. Please continue praying for our miracle ~ thank you from the bottom of ALL of our hearts!

GOOD NEWS!!

PRAISE GOD! PRAISE GOD! PRAISE GOD! He is so good. My Hcg level on Thursday was 4, 612 ~ very good news. My Hcg level from yesterday was 24,086 ~ we think this is Excellent news!!!!!! We are very encouraged. We are thrilled to show our doctor that God is in control and He is powerful!! We are waiting to hear back from the doctor as to whether he wants to schedule another ultrasound and/or hcg test. Please continue to pray ~ it's working!!!
"May you grasp how wide and long and high and deep My love for you is; a love that surpasses knowledge...you cannot ask or imagine the things I am planning for you!" Eph. 3:18-20
"Call unto Me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know." Jer. 33:3