Wednesday, May 12, 2010

The Dark Before the Morning

I have really been struggling the last few unbelievable longing for my child. Mother's Day of course didn't help. It is the worst day of the year for me; I miss my wonderful blessing of a mom so much. I am so thankful for her and the way she prepared me to be a mom by her beautiful example! I can't wait to reunite in Heaven with her. I still picture her rocking my miscarried babies, taking care of them just like she would if she were here to love on her grand babies. For me, Mother's Day is one giant pointing finger, pointing at me shouting "You are not a Mom!" I can't stand the insensitivity of perfect strangers,and sometimes those that aren't strangers, who say, "Happy Mother's Day!" (this doesn't include you Jenn) FYI: Please don't assume every female you encounter is a mom! For the past 5 years on Mother's Day I have had to tell myself, "OK, next year you'll be a Mom." Here I am still not a mom and it absolutely breaks my heart. Thank you to my dear friend Jessica...who sent me a beautiful Mother's Day card that read, "For the Soon to be Mom!" I will always cherish that card Jessica, it meant more than you know! Thank you also to those who have spoken and written sweet words to me regarding Mother's Day, I am grateful and you did uplift and encourage me. So, Monday and Tuesday were better days. Last night Adam and I went to an Infant Safety/CPR class and that was fun; I sure hope we never have to use the skills we learned though! Well, this morning I could feel myself starting to sink deeply into a slump, I was trying not to, but I was sinking none the less. I was running errands just a while ago and was just starting to lose it. I was ready to attack anyone that so much as looked at me funny and I almost chased down a car that honked at me!! OH MY GOODNESS! Then I began to cry, when wouldn't you know it ~ My God intervened! A song that I have never heard before came on the radio...then the tears really came:

Do you wonder why you have to
Feel the things that hurt you
If there’s a God who loves you where is He now

Maybe there are things you can’t see
And all those things are happening
To bring a better ending

Someday somehow you’ll see you’ll see

Would you dare would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming

So hold on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

My friend you know how this all ends
You know where you’re going
You just don’t know how you’ll get there
So say a prayer

And hold on cause there’s good for those who love God
But life is not a snapshot
It might take a little time but you’ll see the bigger picture

Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory

It’s just the hurt before the healing
Oh the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning